When Children Come Out: A Guide for Christian Parents. By Mark Yarhouse and Olya Zaporozhets. Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press, 2022. 173 pp. Paper, $20.00.
This book gives advice to Christian parents who are confronted by a child’s announcing that he or she is homosexual. Most of the book deals with same-sex attraction, but the authors maintain that the information also applies to those who identify as transgender. Zaporozhets is a professor at Regent College. Yarhouse is the director of the Sexual and Gender Identity Institute at Wheaton College. It is likely that most JOTGES readers were not aware that a Christian college would have such an institute. This probably indicates that many in Evangelical circles are not aware of how widespread this situation is.
As counselors, the authors do not give concrete answers about how to handle the situation. Instead, they show, through many examples, that parents will deal with it in various ways. Parents will make the journey at their own pace, following different paths. It is clear, however, that the authors believe parents should keep open lines of communication with their children and show love to them. The last thing parents should do is to be judgmental and refuse to dialogue with their child.
Through time, most parents in the book become more accepting of the circumstances in which they find themselves (p. 7). This usually means that they change how they view homosexuality. The authors believe this is a very positive thing.
A common thread is that these parents fear that if they do not accept their child’s “coming out,” the child will rebel against God. They feel that the child who loses his faith over this issue will go to hell (p. 9). After coming to terms with the situation, other parents take an entirely different view. They believe that their homosexual child can mature in the faith and walk with Christ even if they practice homosexuality (p. 10).
As one would expect, part of the process lies in differentiating between same-sex attraction and homosexual acts. At first, most parents see both as sinful. In addition, homosexuality is initially seen as a greater sin than others. Over time, however, most parents realize that sin is sin and come to believe that sexual attraction is not sinful. Some believe the acts are sinful, while others do not. Almost universally, parents gain acceptance of their children and do not try to get them to change their orientation (pp. 11-12). They accept that the child’s homosexuality is not simply a passing phase (p. 114).
A common theme is the need to love their children. These parents are almost always devastated by their child’s coming out. They often wonder what they did to cause the problem. All the parents interviewed said they now realize that was not the case. The child did not choose to be homosexual.
The authors and parents also point out that those in this situation must be concerned about the child’s safety. Children who come out are in real danger of depression, which can lead to suicide (p. 49). This often leads to parents feeling that they must accept not only the child, but also his homosexual friends, who are often a lifeline for the child.
A disturbing aspect of the book is that many of these parents have changed their view of homosexuality. They relate that they prayed and searched the Scriptures and that God spoke to them in their prayers. Many say they saw that they were wrong in how they interpreted certain passages. Almost all said they gained greater empathy (pp. 35-36). It is true that we can change the way we interpret various Bible texts when the evidence from Scripture convinces us. However, it seems that in many of these cases the parents changed because of what their children were going through and not because of sound exegesis.
Some parents made insightful comments. They said that going through this caused them to rely upon God. This could be an example of suffering and learning to trust in Him (p. 89). Others, who say that homosexual acts are different from sexual orientation, rightly see that their child can suffer for the Lord in this area. They can remain single and demonstrate that the single lifestyle can glorify Christ (pp. 89, 130).
Unfortunately, a common experience for these parents is how unlovingly many churches treated them. Some churches said that a father could not have a leadership position if he had an adult homosexual son. Other families reported that church members gossiped about them. Some pastors were harshly judgmental and untrustworthy.
One of these parents’ biggest problems is their theology, on three counts. First, they often do not understand the gospel. Second, they believe that God will speak to them in prayer. Third, they allow their situation to determine what is right and wrong. They often conclude that God says that what is right for their child may not be right for others. Sinful activity can change from person to person. You can ask God if homosexuality is all right for your child. In addition, some parents leave their church in order to find a church that is more accepting of the decisions they make (p. 102).
Particularly troublesome for this reviewer are some of the discussions on transgenderism. The authors and parents say it is a complex issue, as is same-sex orientation. They maintain that parents do not have to agree with every decision their child makes, but that they do need to be there to support and love them. This would include supporting a desire to receive puberty blockers. It would include calling transgender children by their preferred pronouns (pp. 34, 96). One assumes it would also include surgery. The book indicates that churches should probably have transgender bathrooms to accommodate transgender members (p. 149).
Further, it seems that the authors do not consider transgenderism a mental illness. Today, many claim to be transgender as the result of social pressure. Also troubling is the authors’ belief that the parents’ acceptance of a child’s homosexuality or transgenderism should be demonstrated in front of younger siblings (pp. 57, 84). The authors do not state that parents also have a responsibility before the Lord to speak the truth, which is always the real way to show love.
The book strongly encourages parents to find a small group of people to confide in (p. 33). It calls for people in churches to—like Christ—be loving, but does not mention church discipline for the homosexual who engages in sinful acts.
Most Evangelicals will conclude that the authors compromise certain Scriptural truths. However, they do bring up some good points. We can be hypocritical by judging homosexual sins much more harshly than heterosexual sins such as pornography and premarital sex. Free Grace people should lead the way in showing that a homosexual can be saved. We should also be gracious to them, while also speaking the truth. The authors are correct: Sometimes the answers will not be easy. But we cannot, out of misguided love for our children, deny what God has revealed.
This book is not for everybody. However, as time goes on—if the Lord delays His coming—this will probably become a bigger issue in churches. Those who are involved in any type of Christian counseling would benefit from this book. It would allow them to consider what the Scriptures say about this topic and to see what is going on in the wider Evangelical world. For those readers, I recommend it.
Kenneth W. Yates
Editor
Journal of the Grace Evangelical Society